Written word without a shred of sense or coherence, the fabric of the mind snapped like a twig underfoot. Sanity emboweled in darkness. Facets of reality and illusion shattered alike then grinded together, mixed to form incomprehensible surroundings. Sands of time creepingly halt to a still while the mind tries to make sense of things. Losing grip in the slippery slopes of coherence one then falls to the never ending darkness of insanity where pain rages only to stop and be replaced by anxiety. To hate, to love, despair then wallow in sorrow, to reaching the point where you don’t know what you will feel next. Everything stops and the silence grows. As it becomes maddening the pain shatters the silence and shudders everything to such an extent that a steel forged will would even crumple like paper. The cycles are endless and time belittles and berates you. Strips you bare of every single piece of self awareness you have left until you become nothing. A shell, a tainted reflection that barely reflects the thing that once resembled what you were. No pain or pleasure, hatred or sorrow, nor sight, nor sound, smell or taste come to you. Emptiness is the bliss that’s left, hollow as I am, broken under the weight of the world that surrounds me, it’s control that is lost in en endless mist. Queens of scarlet tears, an Emperor of raging lust, Gods of earthen desires in a garden blessed evil. Chaos of a love never reciprocated to a foolish hermit that distorted his own views only to be able to see the folly of his path and actions. The garden swallows everything it feeds on the rationality to empower the void.

I returned to the Savage Garden last night only to find it ablaze. Gash was on his knees with his arms grasping his stomach tightly, screaming and Cinder just stood there, grinning. He then said to Gash;

--Are you happy now? This is what you wanted wasn't it? Another one in a long list that breaks your heart. Tell me, was it worth it?--
--We have to try. . .We have to try. . .-- Gash said in a weak sobbing voice. . .
--You see that's your problem, you're too stubborn, and you can't see the world as it is in front of you. The twins will only hurt you and in turn us for that matter.--

I couldn't take it anymore and decided to interrupt.

--Hey you two. I assume you guys are me. What the hell are you doing. Who are these twins? Why am I fragmented in this world?--
--Emanuel? Well it's been a while. Should we call you father?-- said Cinder.
--Why father? And what do you mean it's been a while?--
--You don't remember anything do you? I'm not surprised. I don't think you're supposed to anyway.--
--Answer my questions please.--
--Aw, so polite. It won't get you anywhere Emanuel.--
--Who are the twins?--
--You gotta ask the right question to get the right answer.--
--Cut the bullshit and tell me everything, your me you can't use my own shit against me.--
--You're right. However, you know who the twins are and I just can't tell you.--
--I don't know who the twins are, I really don't.--
--Not consciously, but your heart knows. Who knows, you might have found one of them and lost her already, like you have in so many countless lives. Or you might have found both of them and gotten hurt twice in one lifetime, or maybe you haven't found them at all.--
--I can't take this anymore.-- says Gash in that voice.
--Please just hold a little longer Gash.--
--Emanuel, do you honestly think that love is yours to have? You think you deserve it? Obviously after all the pain and hell something is in the way, look at the writing on the wall Emanuel, you don't deserve it. All you want is to love and be loved in return. Sometimes the simplest of things is the hardest request to grant in this life. Do you not see what this foolish quest is doing to you. Gash is consuming you, you killed Bliss a long time ago in the process, and you're abusing of Loki to the point where he's spread so thin that he'll eventually die just to keep your facade and pathetic excuse of a shell and defense up. He's exhausted. Let me do all of us a favor, and get rid of Gash here and now and let's just continue with what we have. Give up and let's just continue on with what we got left in our lives.--
--Cinder?--
--What?--
--What do we have left to look forward to?  Even if you kill Gash, yeah the pain is gone, so what? I have no purpose, no life, no love, and no reason to move on, I lost my life's work and the person I cared about at the same time and I don't even have my son. Yes I'm tired of seeking and maybe I'll give up someday.  But you will accomplish nothing with this  tonight. Let him go Cinder.--
--I hate you.--
--I know, that's why you're Cinder.--
--Emanuel, try to revive Bliss, I beg you. Him and Loki were the ones that maintained this paradise you created.--

With Gash's words I woke up to my cell phone ringing, decided to ignore it and continue. Nothing has changed right now pain and confusion dominate.



 

These are eerie plains the ones I wander across, a red glow covers the night sky I look up and I see the moon blood red and suddenly I notice a wolf without it's left eye mere feet away from me. He howls at the blood moon and then slowly walks towards me.  I don't know why but I know his name is Ornlu. He has a piercing gaze that paralyzes me for a few seconds. I am mystified and enthralled by his look, his walk, his gaze. I can feel like he's trying to emit a message, a message of caution. Once he feels that the message goes through he simply walks away. It begins to snow, as the snow falls I feel the snowflakes but they are not cold, quite the contrary they are hot and burn my skin right through. I look back to where the wolf was going as he looks back and our eyes meet once again I notice that he is not burned by the hellish snow. He then goes his way and I feel by body completely consumed by the flames created by the snow in my body and awaken back to my conscious realm.

A mysterious stone pillar in the desert, the inscription reads:

For in this cycle there are three...

The Pathfinder who shall seek and guide the journey...

The Keybearer who will open the gate to destiny...

The Soulslayer who shall seek the Keybearer to destroy him...

This is the cycle of the ages, the cycle that will open the way to eden...

    I have never felt so torn and at war with myself as I have felt tonight. Only the darkness of the night soothes me in the midst of all the conflict inside of me. This battle takes place in a dark savage garden deep within the bleakest recesses of my mind.  I am the spectator witnessing the  battle between me and myself.  In here their names are totally different from mine, though they are me, they are only just a simple facet of my entirety. They are called Gash and Cinder and they speak things that I truly don't understand but somehow seem familiar.  From what I can feel Gash is a facet of pain and Cinder is a facet of hate. As the battle endures I can hear them speaking to each other and Gash asks Cinder;

 --What are you so afraid of?--
--I feel no fear I'm simply trying to protect you from yourself.--
--No, I know you fear something, only a great fear could've created that hate inside of you.--
--You are very foolish. Do you understand nothing? I feel no fear. I can't because I was not born out of fear.  I was born out of you.--
--Me?--
--You hurt incredibly and you have hindered us for a very long time. Your pain became hurt and eventually in turn I was born out of that pain.--
--But even if you were born from me, you can't seal us away and prevent us from loving her.--
--You always commit the same blunders falling in love with those wretched twins over and over. Every time, life after life,  no matter how many times you are born you always seem to find at least one of them and allow yourself to be inflicted with such a pathetic wound.--
--We have to give it a chance we must try until we get it right it doesn't matter how many lives it takes.--

    With those words the savage garden slowly vanished leaving the battle into what I assume was a stalemate and bringing me back to a conscious realm, with no answers and a lot more confused than when I started.

    Let me make this clear, I hate myspace, I hate blogs and I'm really not into any of this. I don't mind of other people like it or reading what other people write in their myspace or blogs, it's just that I've never felt this was for me.  It was not until recently that I have found many things so hard to get out that I have decided to make this livejournal. So I decided that since it's not really my intention for anyone to read it, I'll write my dreams and thoughts here, things that are just too hard to say or explain to the people I want to say them to. In the end I don't care either way I just need to get these things out. . .